For most of the aughts, JoJo was everywhere. After signing her first record deal in 2003, her debut single, “Leave (Get Out),” found its way onto the Billboard charts shortly after its release a year later. By 2006, she had two full-length studio albums under her belt—JoJo and The High Road, which featured her second massive hit, “Too Little Too Late”—and had already starred in two major movies, Aquamarine and RV. The singer, whose full name is Joanna Levesque, toured with Usher, performed at award shows, and appeared frequently on MTV’s Total Request Live. It’s nearly impossible to talk about 2000s pop culture without talking about JoJo.
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But in the midst of her meteoric rise, Levesque’s commercial success came to a screeching halt when disputes at her label, Blackground Records, forced her into musical limbo for nearly a decade. According to Levesque, Blackground was unable to secure a distribution deal, which meant that any plans for releasing another official album with Blackground were off the table indefinitely. She was stuck in artistic purgatory—only able to release music independently—until 2013, when a successful lawsuit against Blackground allowed her to finally leave the label and sign a new deal with Atlantic Records. Her long-awaited third studio album, Mad Love, was released in 2016.
Looking back on the years she spent fighting for her career, Levesque says, “I rarely gave myself time to think or feel.” Now, the 33 year-old is making up for lost time. In her new memoir, Over the Influence, out Sept. 17, she reflects on the events of her personal and professional life with vulnerability and candor. Levesque spares no detail about the substance abuse and other unhealthy behaviors she engaged in to escape the reality of her label troubles, her experiences with addiction, and the lengths she’s gone to find herself as an adult.
“I hope that by sharing my little life so far, other people will maybe take the time to explore their own,” she says. “Because there’s good sh-t in there.”
TIME spoke with Levesque about writing Over The Influence on her own, the joys of sleeping alone, and which art form she plans on conquering next.
TIME: You’re a few days away from being a published author. How are you feeling?
Levesque: That is so crazy! I did not have that on my bingo card for 33, but I’m so happy. I feel a lot of joy, a lot of excitement, and a lot of gratitude that I get to put my story out there into the world. I hope it hits some people in a way that they’re moved by it.
You wrote this memoir entirely on your own. Why was it important for you to do this without a ghostwriter?
I’m a fan of memoir and nonfiction in general, so some of my favorite books are written in collaboration with a ghostwriter or a co-writer. There’s so much to be gained from that expertise, but I just wanted to give myself a shot. My voice is enough. My perspective on things is enough.
I’d been conditioned from a young age to think I needed to rely on other people to make decisions for me, to help craft my story, or make me into something that was more digestible or acceptable, but I’m no longer chasing that mainstream success. I really want to be myself and be in a community with other people who are on the same journey of trying to shed any layers of confusion and shame they’ve accumulated.
You mentioned in your author’s note that it was a little mortifying to dredge up some of the experiences you were writing about. You included stories about using alcohol and weed to stay intoxicated as often as possible, spending nights out “smooching strangers” in clubs, and even being unfaithful in a former relationship. It felt like I was reading entries from your diary. How did you find the courage to share your stories in this way?
Just by remembering that as human beings, we’re storytellers, and that’s what we’ve always done for as long as we’ve been here. Sometimes there’s this thing within me that’s like, why even share this? Who’s going to care? But I do believe that when we share truthfully and vulnerably, that can unlock some things within ourselves and within other people. And I just had to remind myself that my story is just as worthy of being told as anybody else’s.
What do you hope readers will take away from your experiences with addiction?
I grew up thinking that I would never end up like my parents, who self-identified as addicts. I felt a bit self-righteous about it, like I was stronger than that. But something my dad said when I was maybe 21 stuck with me: “Addiction is like Arnold Schwarzenegger in your backyard pumping iron, just waiting for you. It’s going to come for you.” So one of the things that I wanted to explore—and just something that I like to talk about—is addiction and what it means.
For me, [addiction is] not just one thing. It’s void filling and feeling like you need to get outside yourself to feel OK. It’s trying to introduce other substances, other people, other experiences, validation, food, whatever, because you don’t feel like enough. A lot of times people think that you’re addicted to a substance, but it’s not so cut and dry.
It does feel like the idea of being addicted to sex and love isn’t discussed as often, but you wrote that, at one point in your life, “being desired was like a drug.” What’s your relationship with the need to feel desired or validated today?
I try to check in with myself and see what I’m doing a bit too much of, or where I’m feeling a pull towards something. I just ask myself, why do I feel like I need this? I also took a year off of dating just to really sit with myself. I was so used to having a romantic interest, or having someone to think about, or to text with, or to occupy my time. What happens when I don’t have that? It’s been a really important experience for me, because as much as I thought I liked being alone, I realized that I still did rely on feeling that romantic validation. Taking it off the table has been a good little journey for me.
I think a lot of people are scared to do that, but it’s really powerful to be able to sit and connect with yourself in that way.
The older I get, I’m less compromising. The older we get, the less appealing random guys are, or random people. The pool gets a little smaller because you’re like, I don’t know if that really resonates. It’s a blessing.
Agreed. If someone’s not going to add any value to my life, what’s the point?
I know. And it feels kind of good to have the whole bed to myself.
I was shocked to read that you were upset with your label’s decision to release “Leave (Get Out)” as your first single. How do you feel about the song now?
I just never saw myself as a pop singer. It sounded really different from the album I was making. If you go back and listen to my first album, it’s influenced heavily by hip-hop and R&B—“Leave” kind of stands as an outlier. So it was just confusing to me, and that set in motion a lot of confusion in my life. But I am grateful beyond words for that song. I was really fortunate to be the vessel for that. And when people started telling me how much they loved the song, then I was like, OK, I was wrong. But it kind of conditioned me to question my own taste and my own gut.
You re-recorded your first two albums in 2018. The conversation around this practice has become a lot more mainstream, thanks to Taylor Swift announcing in 2019 that she’d be re-recording her discography after a public battle with Scooter Braun over her masters. Billboard reported last year that some labels are now working to make it more difficult for artists to do this—sometimes demanding that they wait up to 30 years after their contract ends to re-record releases. What do you make of that trend?
I’m sad but not surprised to hear that labels would try to do that. My music wasn’t available to stream, so it wasn’t for any reason other than that [that I re-recorded]. We were just trying to come up with a solution because I was tired of not having my music available. I wasn’t sure if it would pay off or if people would think it was silly. But it’s amazing that this is a part of the conversation beyond the music industry now and that fans are interested in some of the business behind it. People are more invested in knowing about what’s going on with their favorite artist.
Do you think all artists should own their masters?
Of course, my answer is yes. It should definitely always go back to the artist. If a label is fronting all the money for something to get made, I know why they think they should own the masters, but things have to change. The music industry as we know it is the Wild West. There’s too much greed.
You wrote about how JoJo was a professional moniker chosen for you by a former producer. At this stage in your life, how do you feel about that nickname?
It’s a part of me. JoJo is a part of my history, and it’s how I was introduced to my fans who have supported me over the years. So I’m totally fine with people calling me JoJo, but where I’m at in my life, I just feel more like Joanna. I’m getting closer to who I was before any of this crazy, cool, confusing experience happened. So I’m embracing all of it. I think of Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson and his long-ass full name, so I’m Joanna “JoJo” Levesque right now.
If what most people know about you is based only on what they know about JoJo, the artist, what do you want people to know about you, Joanna, the person?
That I am allowing myself to have different seasons. As millennials, perfection is what we were sold in the time that we grew up. You needed to be perfect, otherwise you shouldn’t even try. So I’m allowing myself to just try. To just be. To accept that wherever I’m at—that’s good enough.
You’re currently playing the role of Satine in Moulin Rouge! on Broadway. Your circumstances are wildly different, but Satine is a woman whose actions are ultimately being dictated by others. Did you draw on any of your personal experiences when you were first workshopping the character?
It wasn’t much of a stretch for me to play Satine. I think she felt a lot of pressure—pressure that she put on herself or pressure that was real because she was the face of the Moulin Rouge—and she wanted to make sure that everything was going to be OK. She didn’t want anybody to worry about her. She was very strong and very determined to do what she needed to do, and I relate to that. I never wanted anybody to worry about me, even when I was engaging in dangerous behavior or not treating myself kindly, so I can feel her going through that in the show. I have a lot of love and compassion for Satine.
You’ve done everything at this point—music, movies, TV, Broadway, and now a book. Where do you go from here? What’s next for you?
New music soon. Touring. And I want to develop an original musical, so that’s in the works. That’s something I’m really passionate about. I want to produce and be behind the scenes and also originate a role. I’m really, really, really into theater these days. It just makes me feel so alive.
This conversation has been condensed and edited for clarity.
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