“How is it possible that nearly half of marriages end in divorce and I don’t know a single person going through one?” As a psychotherapist who specializes in helping women navigate the emotional impacts of divorce, I hear this question all the time. In large part, this is why I lead in-person divorce support groups. We need to talk about divorce.
Just as every marriage is unique, every divorce is as well. Yet many divorces follow a similar trajectory, and most of the feelings women experience during that process are universal. Initiating a divorce is always heartbreaking and stressful; it was never the plan. The legal and financial aspects are often expensive and daunting. And yet, despite the pain of going through a divorce, many women emerge on the other side stronger, happier and more empowered.
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Men and women have different experiences of marriage
Societal norms around gender and heterosexual marriage continue to have an enormous impact on how we structure relationships and family life. The benefits of heterosexual marriage are often unevenly distributed between men and women, especially after the couple has children. While women have worked toward equality in many realms, significant gender inequality persists in income, parenting, and household labor.
Recent data from the U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics underscores this imbalance. According to the American Time Use Survey, women in heterosexual marriages spend more time than men caring for children at every stage of development. When children are under six, women spend more than twice as much time physically caring for children and four times as much time providing educational activities. When children reach school age, mothers spend three times longer than fathers organizing educational activities and nearly twice as much time transporting children to school and activities.
Housework follows a similar pattern. A University of Michigan analysis found that the average heterosexual woman in the U.S. ends up with seven more hours of housework per week after marriage, while men’s housework hours decrease by an hour per week. Many women contemplating divorce report feeling as if their spouse has become more like an additional child in the home rather than an equal partner.
Research also shows that marriage tends to benefit men more than women, especially in the areas of health, wealth, and overall well-being. This imbalance may be part of the reason heterosexual men are less likely to initiate divorce—marriage simply works better for them. Men are also more likely, after divorce, to isolate themselves from friends and family, avoid the grieving process or enter a new relationship right away. Divorce professionals have a saying: “Women grieve and men replace.”
When marriage stops working for women
In the past, family law attorneys referenced the Three A’s—addiction, abuse, and adultery—as the reasons people ended their marriages. Some of the women I see are ending their marriages because of the Three A’s, but others cite more nuanced reasons as well.
Some women initiate divorce because of a “marital temperature problem.” Either their marriage is too hot (too much fighting, tension and toxic conflict) or it is too cold (not enough communication, tenderness or intimacy). Ongoing conflicts about parenting, finances or other issues can either cause too much heat or one partner to shut down emotionally.
Other women end their marriages due to discovering a spousal betrayal. Betrayal shakes the foundation of a partnership and includes sexual affairs, emotional affairs, and financial infidelity. Many marriages can survive a single betrayal, but can’t withstand ongoing lies and deception. It is difficult to rebuild trust when it has been shattered over months or years of duplicity.
One of the most common scenarios I see in my office is women initiating divorce from extremely passive husbands. Sometimes the passivity results in long periods of unemployment or underemployment in which the husband neither looks for work nor does any extra parenting or housework. Other times, the passive partner is employed but does almost no parenting or caring for the home. Many times, the passive spouse weaponizes their incompetence by intentionally acting as if they are unable to complete certain tasks, creating even more work for their partner.
In addition to physical, emotional, and sexual abuse, coercive control is becoming more recognized in living rooms and court rooms as women have identified and labeled its components. As a pattern of intimidation, isolation, humiliation and controlling behavior, coercive control can be as damaging as physical abuse.
Ongoing and untreated addiction and mental health disorders can wreak havoc not only on individuals, but on couples as well. A partner’s addiction to drugs, alcohol, sex, gambling, pornography, or technology can slowly erode trust and good will in a marriage. In my practice, I also see the deteriorating impact of untreated depression, ADHD, autism, and narcissism on marriages. While couples counseling can help shed light on a mental health diagnosis or addiction, it is the responsibility of each spouse, rather than the couple, to obtain adequate treatment.
Finally, many couples divorce when there is a sexual mismatch, a lack of intimacy, or revelations about sexuality or gender that are incompatible with the marriage.
Ending isn’t quitting
Women tend to be more actively engaged than men in initiating, maintaining, and, when necessary, ending marriages. According to the social demographer Michael Rosenfeld’s analysis of 2,538 partnered, heterosexual adults in the U.S., women initiate 69% of divorces. Women’s higher rates of initiation do not reflect a lack of investment in marriage. Quite the opposite.
Many of the women who attend my support groups deeply value the institution of marriage, but ultimately leave because, despite years of effort, they are unable to engage their spouses in improving their partnerships. In many cases, their spouses have disengaged or abandoned the spoken and unspoken rules of marriage, leaving women cornered into choosing divorce as their only viable option. Often, after years of trying to repair their relationships without success, these same women often bear the emotional and logistical labor of calling an end to them.
Because women are socialized to be responsible, empathetic, and attuned to others’ needs, deciding to leave can result in feelings of guilt and shame. In order to help ameliorate those feelings, I help my clients to consider who “left” the marriage and who “ended” it. When faced with an uncooperative spouse who can’t or won’t work on themselves or the marriage, many women feel they have no choice but to end a marriage that’s already over.
Many women face a decrease in income and an increase in childrearing responsibilities after divorce. Yet I’ve seen that women also tend to fare better than men psychologically in the long run, and often report feeling happier out of the marriage than in it. They typically have stronger social networks, are more comfortable seeking emotional support and are active participants in their own recovery. Their creative problem-solving skills, honed through years of emotional and domestic labor, become strengths during major life transitions.
Divorce is about endings, grief, and loss, but it’s also about beginning something new. Instead of seeing divorce as a failure, I view it as restructuring a family into a healthier constellation.
This essay is adapted from Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women.
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