From childhood, honesty is framed as a moral north star. Tell the truth. Don’t lie. Say what you mean, no matter the cost. But adult relationships quickly expose the limits of that lesson. Instead of building closeness, some truths erode it—especially when honesty is delivered without care, context, or concern for the person on the receiving end.
“When honesty is just a mic drop, it doesn’t facilitate connection. It’s just someone monologuing at the other person,” says Jennifer C. Veilleux, a professor of clinical psychology at the University of Arkansas, Fayetteville, who studies emotion. Imagine, for example, that a woman tells her husband she’s happier when he’s not around. “That is honest, but it feels like an arrow to the soul—and it’s hard not to take that really personally and get dejected by those honest feelings,” Veilleux says. “People struggle hearing honesty from their partner, especially in relationships that are a little bit rocky already.”
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We asked experts when honesty helps—and when it harms.
When honesty isn’t welcome
Trust is the No. 1 ingredient to a healthy relationship, says Dr. Terri Orbuch, a sociology professor at Oakland University and a research professor at the University of Michigan’s Institute for Social Research, where she directed one of the longest-running studies of married couples in the U.S. You can’t have trust without honesty—yet some nuance is required. Your partner also has to have your best interests at heart, she says.
“You have to do the weighing act, thinking about how important the information is to your partner and your relationship,” Orbuch says. From there, “it’s how you say it and what you say. It’s thinking about the impact on the other person, and how it will make them feel. And that’s a learned skill.”
There’s a difference between meaningful honesty and unbridled self-expression, says Kate Engler, a marriage and family therapist in Evanston, Ill. Honesty rooted in a genuine place “usually, if not always, involves some level of self-reflection, vulnerability, and the goal of improving, deepening, or repairing the relationship,” she says. The problematic kind, on the other hand, is typically “some form of venting, driven by dysregulated or reactive emotions, and is harsh or retaliatory.”
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Veilleux thinks of the struggling couples she works with as two medieval castles that have been at war for a long time. Sometimes, one person might decide that because their kingdom has been under attack, they’re going to weaponize their honesty, hoping it takes out the other side. That tactic might take the form of an honest but cutting and unnecessary remark. “A lot of people have this tit-for-tat attitude, like, ‘Well, you hurt me, so I’m going to hurt you back,’” she says.
Other times, however, people are simply oblivious about how their honesty will land. “They don’t know that they’re hitting on someone else’s emotional sensitivity, and that the honest thing they’re saying is going to be hurtful to the other person,” Veilleux says. “It’s not always intentional, but sometimes it is.”
How it causes harm
No-filter honesty can cause deep hurt and shame. It also diminishes connection and trust in a relationship. “Why would someone want to be vulnerable or open with a person who weaponizes honesty?” Engler says. “It would be unwise to do so.”
Engler points to Gottman’s Four Horsemen—criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling—identified by psychologists John and Julie Gottman to describe what they call the four destructive communication patterns that often cause a relationship to break down. Contempt, criticism, and defensiveness go hand-in-hand with harsh honesty, she says. “Those things will wear somebody down to the point that they’re ready to leave,” she says. “You really can’t underestimate the damage they can do.”
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Blunt-force honesty isn’t good for the person being honest in a harmful way, either, Engler adds: It keeps them from getting what they need in a relationship, and creates a dynamic in which that’s the norm.
What to do when you hear it
If you’re on the receiving end of harshness dressed up as honesty, there are ways to stick up for yourself.
“One thing I tell people is to acknowledge the hurt in the moment, even by saying, ‘Ouch,’” Veilleux says. “It’s a simple little statement,” but it helps the other person understand the impact of their words. Plus, you can gauge their reaction: If they say, “Oh, yikes, I didn’t mean that,” that opens the door to a productive conversation. But if they come back with, “Well, yeah, because you hurt me first,” that’s telling, too. “Are they trying to take power?” Veilleux says. “Or are they able to receive the insight that they hurt someone unintentionally?”
Engler recommends calmly telling your partner that you’re open to hearing their feedback—but not in that way. Let them know that when they’re ready to have an actual discussion, you will be, too.
How to be honest in a tactful way
If you’re considering withholding the truth, Orbuch suggests asking yourself: “What’s the reason for being dishonest? Is it because it protects you and makes you feel better or look better, or is it because you’re protecting or thinking about your partner?”
If you have a bank account you never mentioned to your wife, for example, you’re being dishonest by concealing it. “That leads to betrayal and distrust,” Orbuch says, and you need to come clean. If you think another person in the restaurant where you’re having dinner is attractive, on the other hand—but would never act on it—bringing it up would likely feel unkind. “That’s protecting your partner,” she says. “It’s editing information, and omitting non-important information that’s only going to hurt them.”
When it becomes clear you need to tell the truth, there are compassionate ways to do so.
For example, it’s helpful to frame what you say as opinion, not fact, Veilleux says. You could use phrases like these: “From my perspective,” “My impression is,” or “Well, my take is…”
“That takes ownership of the thought,” she says. “Like, ‘It’s my thought, it’s not a fact, and you can disagree with it, and that’s OK.’”
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The most effective honesty is buffered, not blunt, experts agree. For example, if your husband said something to one of your kids that you didn’t like, don’t lash out: “You’re a terrible parent!” Instead, Engler suggests, preface your honest feedback with something positive: “First, I want you to know you’re such an amazing dad.” Then, ask him if he’s open to a little feedback. “It’s such a small thing, but you establish buy-in from someone when you do that, and you’re setting the stage to say, ‘I’m about to say something that might be hard to hear.’” That’s better than simply dumping on them, she says, which is more in line with unbridled self-expression.
Once you start the conversation, shift into a back-and-forth. You might say: “It seemed like emotions ran high, and I think it had a rough impact. Does this resonate with you? Does it sound familiar or true to you? What are your thoughts?”
“That way,” she says, “it’s a dialogue.”
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