On a recent visit to see my mom, my partner of six years expressed that he finally understood more deeply why I hate a last-minute change of plans.
We had just completed a day-long road trip with my mom who, lovingly, wanted to show us every beautiful autumnal site near her town. But, the destination kept getting amended, which annoyed me to no end, as I drove for hours to cater to my mom’s ever-changing plans. My mom and I joked about this being one of her habits, but it wasn’t until my partner pointed out the connection that I realized how this behavior, which was unavoidable in my childhood, is something I try to avoid at all costs as an adult. It felt good to have my partner’s insight on the “why” of it all.
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Visiting family with a partner can be illuminating this way. Whether you’ve been dating for a while, or just making things official during “Cuffing Season,” the upcoming holidays may be the first time you see your partner fully enmeshed in their family dynamic. No doubt, meeting your partner’s parents, other family members, or chosen family can cause stress. You want to make a good impression. But the thing we often forget is that it’s also an opportunity to get to know who you’re dating in a different, deeper way.
Instead of stressing about the expectation to come off as an appropriately matched partner to your date’s family, this important event can help you gather information about what makes your partner the way they are. Especially if this relationship is for the long-haul, it’s crucial to get to know what type of family you’re potentially going to become part of and what role you might play in it.
Modern dating develops independently from familial intervention. With some cultural exceptions, we meet people through social circles and dating apps rather than through the approval of a family member. This means that meeting parents, siblings, or other family members becomes a mark of the relationship becoming more serious.
Read More: Why Gen Z Is Ditching Dating Apps
In fact, we often romanticize what meeting family could mean for our relationships. Take The Bachelor franchise as an example: Hometown Dates, where the Bachelor and Bachelorette meet their finalists’ families, come almost at the end of the season, right before overnight dates and an eventual proposal. The fate of some hopeful suitors is determined by these meetings, which can make the tone of them tense. After each Hometown Date, there is an expectation that the relationship has deepened because more is known about each partner and how they might fit into each other’s lives.
What happens in a few hours on reality TV is something that can unfurl over several days when we meet our partner’s family over the holidays. How we behave in relationships is often heavily influenced by how we were raised, and meeting the family is the first glimpse we get into what our partner’s upbringing may have been like. In fact, there are whole areas of psychological research devoted to understanding the nuances of family dynamics. For example, family systems and attachment theories are psychosocial theories that can help us understand our partners better—and also ourselves. Family systems theory looks at the interpersonal dynamics within a family and recognizes that it is a complex network made up of equally complex personalities. Attachment theory looks at how emotional needs are met or not met in childhood, and how that might shape how we are in adult relationships.
When we spend time with our partner’s family, we start to see how our partners have been formed and how these complex emotional connections have manifested. It’s a special context that we may not see them in often, but there’s so much to glean if you pay attention.
You may notice, for instance, that like your family, they have several small holiday traditions that everyone finds meaningful. Or you may notice how seriously everyone takes holiday decorating, even making it a competition. You may observe that your family is more or less rigid when it comes to schedules and plans. And you may find that the dynamics within the family mirror your own, or feel quite foreign. You might also pick up on how individual members of the family handle the stress of the holidays, by micromanaging, mentally checking out, or distracting themselves with tasks or devices, or even roping you and your partner into their drama. All of this helps inform your opinion of how comfortable you feel amid your partner’s family dynamics, and how well you might get along with certain family members. It’s also worth noting if these dynamics and family members seem comfortable or triggering for your partner, as well.
The holidays are usually a time for many family generations to get together, so you might be meeting more than just your partner’s immediate family. The volume of people may feel overwhelming, but it is also another opportunity to learn. You may notice intergenerational patterns of behaviors, hierarchies, and family traits that have been passed down through the ages. All of this is great information to have and to use as conversation-starters to deepen your relationship with your partner in a non-judgmental way.
The holidays are Ground Zero for family dynamics, and you may not be the only one going into it with nerves. Your partner will be giving you a peek inside who they are when they are surrounded by the people that know them the most. This can be a vulnerable time for them, as well. But your outsider perspective could give them the reassurance or the space to be critical of their family in ways that are actually helpful for them. Or, if you’re anything like my partner, paying attention to these details may also give you a better understanding of the origins of your partner’s quirks and pet peeves—and how your relationship can stand the test of time.
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