—Photo-Illustration by TIME (Source Images: Yana Iskayeva—Getty Images, Marsell Gorska Gautier—Getty Images)
At some point in the middle of an argument—or any other high-stress situation—something short-circuits. You know the feeling: you stop being able to think, listen, or speak calmly. Your body takes over and your brain essentially goes dark. It’s called “emotional flooding,” and it transcends the ordinary experience of being upset or overwhelmed.
Like countless psychology terms before it, emotional flooding is making the rounds on social media. Yet it describes something experts have long understood: a state of nervous-system overwhelm so complete that your prefrontal cortex—your brain’s rational, regulated adult—temporarily shuts down. “It’s like the adult in your brain says, ‘Catch you later, I’m gonna step out for a minute,’” says Kati Morton, a marriage and family therapist in Austin. What’s left is pure survival mode: fight, flight, or freeze.
We asked experts to break down what’s happening in the body and brain when emotional flooding takes over.
What emotional flooding is—and isn’t
The term “emotional flooding” was popularized by psychologist John Gottman, who used it to describe a state of intense physiological arousal during conflict—one that can make it difficult to think clearly, process information, or communicate effectively.
What makes flooding so disorienting is that it isn’t purely psychological, says Mia Soviero, a neuroscience researcher who’s the founder and CEO of Research Girl, a STEM education nonprofit. “It’s not the same as just feeling really upset—it’s not just an emotional quality,” she says. “There’s also a physiological threshold that’s being crossed.”
When you’re flooded, your amygdala—your brain’s threat detector—becomes overactive, and your sympathetic nervous system kicks into high gear. That surge of activation makes your prefrontal cortex less able to regulate emotions. “Your vagus nerve becomes dysregulated, your heart rate increases, your breathing becomes shallow, and your body reacts as though there’s a real, present danger,” Soviero says. “You aren’t able to think clearly because your prefrontal cortex sort of goes offline.”
Krista Jordan, a clinical psychologist in Austin, describes it more bluntly. Emotional flooding “outstrips your ability to use the smarter part of your brain,” she says. The result is that everything collapses into one-dimensional thinking: As she puts it, “This person sucks, I’m being abandoned, I hate you.”
When you’re sad or angry in a normal sense, you can still access your thoughts—you can reason with yourself, consider another perspective, and talk yourself down. Flooding forecloses all of that. “Once you’re flooded, the person in front of you could even start saying the thing you wished they would have said to begin with, and you can’t even process it,” says Dena DiNardo, a clinical psychologist in Philadelphia. “It’s like being unreachable.”
Read More: Do You Really Store Stress in Your Body?
Flooding is also distinct from a panic attack, though the two can overlap. Panic attacks are sudden surges of fear or doom that often arise without a clear trigger. Emotional flooding, by contrast, typically has a more identifiable source: a conflict, perceived slight, or any situation the brain registers as threatening or overwhelming. “Panic attacks can include flooding symptoms,” Soviero notes, “but they don’t have to.” And while panic is specific to anxiety, flooding can be driven by anger, frustration, sadness, or virtually any other emotion pushed past a breaking point.
It’s also worth knowing what flooding is not. As the term spreads on social media, Soviero cautions against applying it too broadly. “If you can still argue, negotiate a boundary, or hold a conversation, it’s likely that you’re not flooded—you’re just upset,” she says. Flooding has a distinct physiological signature. Using it to describe any intense emotion, she adds, does a disservice to the concept—the same way “narcissist” and “gaslighting” have lost precision from overuse.
Who’s most prone to emotional flooding
Not everyone floods with the same frequency or intensity, and the reasons are often complex. Biology, personal history, and environment all play a role, and they interact in ways that aren’t always obvious. “You could have two people live through exactly the same thing, and one person becomes flooded and the other doesn’t,” DiNardo says.
Early life experiences are a major factor. Growing up in a stressful or unpredictable environment—perhaps due to poverty, violence, or a parent’s mental illness—shapes the developing brain in ways that prime it for flooding. Sometimes, people in these situations “ have a less facilitated frontal cortex and a more active limbic system,” Jordan says.
People with panic disorder, PTSD, or borderline personality disorder may also find that they enter this state more easily, since emotional dysregulation is already part of the picture. “It’s like our teapot is almost already boiling,” Morton says. “So if we encounter something that triggers it, we’re going to overflow.”
Dr. Alex Dimitriu, a psychiatrist in Menlo Park, Calif., says the body’s baseline state plays an essential role. He uses a skiing metaphor with his patients: Your psychology is your technique, and your biology is the slope. “When the terrain is gentle, almost anyone can stay upright,” he says. “But when the slope steepens—through poor sleep, chronic stress, hormonal shifts, or untreated anxiety—even the best technique falls apart.” Research supports his point: After even one night of poor sleep, the brain’s amygdala overreacts to negative stimuli by about 60%.
How to cope in the moment and over time
You can’t reason your way out of emotional flooding. The usual cognitive strategies—telling yourself to calm down or trying to think through what’s happening—simply won’t work. You have to calm your body first.
Soviero recommends square breathing, also called box breathing: inhale for four seconds, hold for four seconds, exhale for four seconds, hold again. Doing so activates the vagus nerve and nudges the nervous system from fight-or-flight back toward rest. Cold water is another option—dunking your face into a bowl of it triggers the mammalian dive reflex, a physiological response that slows the heart rate and interrupts the body’s stress response.
If you have some privacy, Morton suggests stomping your feet. “It gives that sped-up energy that’s running around your nervous system an outlet,” she says. Children do something similar when they throw tantrums—all that floor-pounding and arm-flailing is the body’s attempt to physically discharge what it’s holding. Another option: Hugging a pillow tightly, or even lying face down, can help your body settle, Soviero says.
Read More: The 1-Minute Trick to Calming Down Your Nervous System
In-the-moment strategies only go so far. The more powerful work happens between floods, not during them. “There’s not a lot that works in the moment, to be honest,” DiNardo says. “It’s really important to look at this when you’re not in that state—when you’re calm and regulated.” Over time, paying attention to what flooding feels like, and what tends to set it off, can help you start to recognize it sooner. The next time it happens, you may be able to catch it earlier.
The best ways to prevent emotional overwhelm include protecting your sleep, setting limits to avoid chronic overstimulation, and meeting what Dimitriu calls your “basic animal needs”: nutrition, movement, rest, socialization, and time alone. “These non-medical interventions are always the first step in my practice,” he says. “When the foundation is solid, everything else works better.” If you find yourself flooding regularly in response to everyday stressors—not extreme events—consider it a meaningful signal that may point to unresolved trauma or chronic stress. Therapy can help.
How to support a loved one
Getting swept up in someone else’s emotional flood is its own challenging experience—and most instinctive responses make things worse, not better. “It’s frightening,” DiNardo says. “People are scared. They don’t understand.” Trying to reason with someone who’s flooding, defending yourself, or escalating in return will likely go nowhere. Once someone is flooded, she notes, they’re essentially unreachable until their nervous system settles.
If you’ve previously talked with your loved one about their tendency to flood, it’s OK to gently name what you’re seeing. Say something like, “You seem a little overwhelmed,” Morton suggests, and then give them space. “Just say, ‘I’m going to give you a minute. Let me know when you feel better.’” If you think you may have contributed to the situation, a brief, non-defensive acknowledgment can help. What shouldn’t you do? Offer coping strategies unless they’re explicitly asked for. “That could just make it worse,” Morton says.
Read More: The Worst Things to Say to Someone With Anxiety—And What to Say Instead
Remember, too, that flooding isn’t a character flaw or a sign that something is permanently broken. It’s your body doing what it’s designed to do—responding to a perceived threat, even if that threat isn’t actually dangerous. “Everyone’s capable of being flooded,” Jordan says. “We’ve all had this experience.”
Leave a comment
